Planes, Drains and Other Stuff that doesn't rhyme with automobiles.

I've never been a good flyer.

I don't understand physics and as a general rule, if I don't understand it, it just can't be possible. Films like Castaway and series like Lost certainly haven't helped. A tad irrational I know, but even after the Tsunami of 2004, I spent the next summer sunbathing in France, with one eye open at all times to see if the water was going to rush back and I was going to have to evacuate the beach. All in all I need to pipe down over things I can't control. It's just the whole massive huge metal thing not succumbing to gravity I don't get. Having said that, and as my sister will verify, I don't succumb to gravity. No matter how much of a headstart she gives me, nor how vertical the slide is, I will, as a matter of course, get stuck half way.

People always say you are more likely to die by being hit on the head by a coconut. In the words of Peg, one of my wise grandmothers, Balls.

The moral of all this, is that I am a bit of a scared flyer.

There is a classic joke in my family that one time when we were flying somewhere together, I turned to them all on take-off and said:

"Goodbye sweet friends."

I can honestly say, I have no idea where this came from. All I do know is that it has become an unspoken superstition.

My dad travels a LOT. And before the plane takes off he texts us all - gsf x.

This has evolved to gsd (daughter), gss (sister) and gsp (parents). If I am travelling alone, as the engine begins to rumble, I mutter it under my breath.

One time, on the way back from Malaysia I had a tropical disease. There was no call button above my head and I couldn't see a steward. I staggered to the loo, pressed a call button and lay in a pile on the floor. Whence a passenger found me. And the steward (I'm sure quite illegally) knocked me out for the duration. (I hasten to add with a pill, not a smack to the head).

Another time on the way back from Madagascar (yah yah on my gap yah), I got all het up before the flight and Faye slipped me what she called a 'travel sickness tablet'. It was, most definitely, a sedative. I don't remember any of the 15hour journey. Because I was knocked for six.

This is a very rushed post, but I believe it captures the essence of my nervous-flyerness. I might ask Faye for another 'travel sickness tablet.' Then again, I might see what films are on first.

p.s. the drains bit of the title is just a warm-up to all the smells I will be describing on my travels. I should have just come up with a better title as the last bit is pretty suspect too.